B is For Believing
The worst feeling one could experience is denial, especially when it has to do with believing. As a child, I struggled between reality and made believe. I knew that my body got the beating every day, but the adults around me convinced that it was just in my dream. That I had fallen off the bed, banged into the wall, or sleep-walking and caused bruises on my body.
In a mind of an eight year old, her reality and her imaginary world crashed! What was real? What was not? How come those that witnessed the beating told me that it didn't happen? Why then did my body felt the pain every day? Everyone hushed! Everyone quickly shooed that episode away, as if it never happened!
For the longest time, finding someone who would believe my story was like looking for God. I knew God exists, but I needed to feel that his presence was real! My abuser was a person who served God, and was God chosen selected few!
I went to church believing that God loves me, and that there was another world beyond this world. Although I didn't understand why it had to happen to me, but I didn't question any of it either. I had no one to ask the questions anyway, and I had no one to share my experiences.
I went through my childhood as a shadow in the dark. I caused no pain and headache! I had no voice! All I wanted was to find someone to talk to, and someone to believe me. That was the hardest part of being existed but not recognized.
As I grow older, my mind went through a blank period of time, and I had no memory of my childhood. Whatever happened in the past was tucked so deep inside that I believed they were almost erased from my conscious.
(View my Childhood Series here, or at the top of the blog!)
I feel sorry for what you've had to endure,and I'm glad you escaped with your life and your voice and your talents intact.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness Mumsy! My heart is breaking, bleeding for you! I, too, have repressed so much but lately it's been struggling to break free. I am afraid to confront it as it has been buried for a very, very, long time. I have to BELIEVE that with God, we shall overcome our pasts. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteBelieving in yourself is so important. Looks like you've learned to do just that. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteMumsy, I hope this sharing is part of your healing. For years I toughed stuff out in my life, kept my secrets, held my pain close to my heart...it was only when I started writing about it some years ago that I started to be able to let go of it. And I hope that is happening for you.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like when you go through horrible things you will never survive or find the good of the lesson (no pun intended) but the passage of time has an amazing ability to allow us to speak our truths with no fear of censure or ridicule.
I'm sorry no-one believed you when they should have...such a betrayal of the heart...but I'm reading this now and sending you a big hug and a powerful prayer that sunshine is replacing the pain of your memories..bit by bit.
A+ for your courage in sharing your story.
You had a tough life but it looks like you were able to come out the other side. I think by writing about this you will help somebody that needs help. Or maybe even someone that doesn't even know they need help.
ReplyDeleteI am so in awe of your ability to write this out and try and get past it. What a horrific experience for any child to endure. But your resilience and talent seem to be strong and well. I do think that this is a path for you to heal, and to help others who may find themselves dealing with the same thoughts and feelings. Hugs, Kathy
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you've had such a hard life. You write beautifully and express yourself so well.
ReplyDeleteKeep telling. We believe you!
ReplyDeletePraying healing prayers for you. You are so brave to share your heart.
ReplyDeleteMumzy what a terrible situation to be in . It almost reminds me of the movie I saw last night : "Inglorious Bastards" . How the Nazi's used to treat Jews. Horrible . I am sure some jews had to live a lie about who they were . We cannot live a lie but we can learn to forgive our abusers .
ReplyDeleteIn other words don't believe what people tell you but believe what you know to be true and forgive them because if you don't forgive , you keep yourself from becoming free and it will only bring more pain.
Keep writing ... keep healing ...
ReplyDeleteMumsy, having worked for the past 21 years as a forensic nurse in the area of child interpersonal violence, primarily sexual assault, I know full well how difficult it is for children to disclose abuse. I interviewed so many children for social services and the police department. We knew they were telling the truth - often, they would recant later because they still loved their abusers and did not want to be removed from their homes or saw that their homes were being disrupted.
ReplyDeleteIt is so sad that children are not believed and/or protected. Childhood should be a time of nurturing and joy.
I pray that you have been able to heal and be loved as an adult.
Check out my "B is for Barcelona" - my favorite city in the world - at
http://rnsane.blogspot.com/2010/01/b-is-for-barcelona.html#links
Somehow, McLinky didn't work for me!
This story is so poignant. I think it would make an excellent book.
ReplyDelete